Fake Hillary Clinton Begs for Voter Support

At some point today, between cleaning my toilet and standing at the kitchen island eating some stale corn chips, I remembered something incredible.  I remembered that several months ago I started a blog called HillarysImpersonator2012.com.   And I know you’re probably thinking, “How could you forget something as ingenious as that!? What kind of idiot are you anyway?”

Suffice it to say, and I suffice it probably more than most, that I AM a genius-idiot of sorts. Or an idiot-genius? I dunno. I’ll leave it to you. Point is, I really need to get back on track with this whole thing and you all need to get in front of me!! (I would have said ‘behind me’ but that leads to trouble on all sorts of levels and I’d prefer to have some human shields anyway once I start campaigning fully. Especially with Ann and Michelle on the trail.)

Look, you and I both know that Robot Romney doesn’t have a chance in Mormon Hell of winning this thing, (apparently, there are a few levels, but I’m no expert) and the cyborg currently in office isn’t exactly the Rock-em Sock-em robot we want or need. Hillary’s our only hope. And of course the real Mrs. Clinton is counting the seconds before her plane lands on American soil and she can head off to get a good blow dry in NYC.

Which really only leaves you with one choice. Me. Hillary’s official impersonator.  That is unless you would prefer to sit through what will inevitably be an incredible hate-fest between two parties who are owned by the same corporations? Yawn.

People, we need to join hands and raise them and raise our voices…and our glasses all at the same time. We need to be on the same page. My blog page. We need to be getting me on the ballot and into a new Armani pantsuit that’s appropriate for Leno, Kimmel, Letterman, Ellen et al. (i.e., Colbert and Stewart)

Now before…back when I got this idea of running for president…I had every intention of staying true to the real Hillary’s platforms. After all, I don’t get paid to come up with policies. I do voices and dress up in wigs and do hand gestures on occasion, per my contract.

But at this point, to heck with the old Clinton platforms. I mean what do I have to lose? My bread and butter is leaving political life. When the real Hillary walks out that door, I got nothing. I got a ‘Diane Sawyer’ impersonation, a ‘Bart Simpson’ that’s going nowhere as long as Nancy Cartwright’s voice holds up, and a ‘James Carville’ that nobody wants in a woman.

And so I ask you to grab a pencil and get ready to take notes.  For in a moment, after I type this sentence, and formulate my thoughts for the first time, I shall offer the NEW policies that I will be espousing while looking and sounding like Hillary Clinton. I think you will agree it is the best of both worlds.

THE ISSUES

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS :  We’re done with this. Thing of the past. Over.

JURY DUTY: Only senior citizens will be allowed on a jury. (Hello! They’ve been around and have the most experience, plus they’ve got nothing to do!). And no juror shall be called twice, unless they want to be. So obvious.

SCHOOL HOURS: No kid goes to school before 8:30am (mine especially).

HEALTH BENEFITS: WAL-MART, McDonalds, and all huge-ass retailers (not sure of correct word) who employ hundreds of millions of people…your part-time employees get benefits. DUH! Or you pay higher taxes.

TEACHERS: Must score 100% on any and all standardized tests they administer each year. They shall pay no income tax or get free wall-to-wall carpeting or get massive raises. Something!

DEPT. of PEACE: We have one for war which does an excellent job of creating jobs and war so why not have one for peace. More jobs, more peace!

DAY OF REST: (This is where I get the environmental and religious votes.) Let’s take a break people!  Sunday shall become, once again, the national chillax day. Nobody needs to buy anymore crap that we can’t get on the other six days.

GAY MARRIAGE:  Sure, we’ll make it illegal but out of fairness, everyone who has ever been divorced has to remarry their first spouse.

HILLARY’S IMPERSONATOR 2012!

Take a chance on a real phony.